My Boys are Going to Grow Up One Day

This is for you, moms of boys.

There's been this "thing" that the Lord has been teaching me over the past couple of weeks and I felt like I needed to get it into words. It has made me cry a few times, so I'm un-lovingly calling it a "thing" and avoiding more amorous terms that I usually associate with something I'm learning.

Last week I had a great breakfast date with my husband. I snapped this photo of him as he was telling me a story from his time in Iraq because I didn't want to forget how special it was that I was the only human with whom he was sharing these intimate stories.

I feel like in general, men are usually more private with their thoughts than women. There are plenty of exceptions to that rule, but we fit into that general statement.

So, I realized at that date with my husband that I was having an intimate moment with a son. And I know that his mom would love to have the attention that I freely get from her son, and ironically it kinda hurt. Of course, I feel so special and blessed to have a godly man who I want to have these moments with, but when thinking about my sons having these moments with someone else someday...yikes! It hurts.

It hurts to think that one day my sons are going to have a deeper connection with a different woman in their lives. But, it's okay because it is what I want for them and it is good.

It hurts to think that one day my boys will find a love that stirs them up to take action, leave me, and pursue her. But, it's okay because it is what I want for them and it is good.

But most importantly, it hurts to think I've already wasted a lot of time being distracted by day to day life, and missed out on spending quality with them now.  This is not okay because it isn't what I want for them and it is not good!


My boys are only 3 and almost 2 and yet I feel like the Lord is already teaching me about letting them go. He's teaching me that I don't have that long with them and that my time needs to be focused.

He is also teaching me that my husband is who He gave to me and I need to be sure that he is still my first love. I need to be sure to love my husband in the same way that I want my sons to be loved one day. And even though it hurts, I really do want them to leave me and become the godly men that they have the potential of being.

Raising boys to become godly men has been a passion of my husband's since he was 18 and something that I long for as well, but I'm starting to learn a little that this process is not just about teaching them...we are learning so much along the way.

So, my encouragement mommas. We don't have that much time. Love your boys, play with them, get off of your phones, talk with them, teach them, be patient with them and pray for them.

And as importantly: Love your husbands. Support them, encourage them, pray for them, make time for them, talk to them. You might be the only person they open up to and they need you as much as your son will need his wife one day.

And pray for that special lady who steals your son's heart one day. Pray that she is growing in grace and knowledge of the Lord. And pray for the relationship between you and her to be healthy and loving.

There will be many trials as we continue to raise our sons. I'm just praying that as the Lord teaches me these things along the way that I will embrace them, learn from them and strive to honor Him in the midst of them.

I hope this gives you some encouragement that even in the difficult times, love all of the guys that God has put into your life. 

Christmas Idols & Partying Hard

Recently, I had a revelation that took me through a series of thoughts and lead me to this conclusion: Christmas is an idol in my heart. 

When thinking about Christmas time I always think about spending time with family and friends. I love Christmas movies, Christmas music, Christmas decorations and Christmas food. But, the thing that I truly treasure at Christmas time is the time we spend with family. I don’t care what we do. I just love for everyone to be together. Typically, what I love most is spending time around the fire on Christmas Eve, sipping my mom’s world famous hot cocoa, and sharing in the joy of being together. Then piling in the car to look at Christmas lights and go to our church’s Christmas Eve service. Christmas gifts and Santa aren’t that big of a deal in our house. We celebrate the coming of our King to earth, to take on human form, and eventually take on our sins at the cross so that we might live. 

It’s interesting that as we have adapted to celebrating Christmas with multiple families that I’ve started to see how all those things that I mentioned above have become an idol to me. The actual day of Christmas is not really what I’m talking about in reference to my idol. It’s this season. I want to celebrate Jesus’ birth the way that I want to celebrate it. I want to be with the people I want to be with during this most joyful time. I don’t want to be around manipulative, selfish, unloving people who want to control things…oh wait…didn’t I just describe myself?

Oops. 

I realized this year, that my idol of wanting to celebrate my own way has made the celebration Jesus coming to earth less than it should be. I learned through my sinfulness that in order to truly celebrate the coming of Jesus to earth I NEED to be around the people who are difficult to be around who don’t know Him and I NEED to LOVE them. He didn’t come to earth so I could celebrate in the way that I want to celebrate. He came so that His people would be redeemed and God the Father would be glorified. There is no better time in the year to naturally and easily share the Gospel with the unsaved in our family. So, this year, I am going to PARTY HARD and enjoy every moment of being with those who are really just like me. 

To My Family in Christ: Our Experience with PTSD

I’ve heard church leaders say things similar to this: “PTSD doesn’t exist. It isn’t any different than a normal citizen witnessing something tragic or going through a tragedy.” And “If you suffer from PTSD, you just need to get over it and believe the Bible.” 

While not every church leader/goer is that extreme, I have heard things like this before and based on my own past beliefs, I know there is room for growth in this area.

I’m writing this as the wife of a combat veteran. I’ve learned so much through the course of our five years of marriage and recently realized the need to share some of this knowledge with the Christian community. 

My husband, Todd, is a veteran of the Operation Iraqi Freedom War. He joined the Army reserves just a few months after he turned 18. During his first semester of college at Oklahoma City University, he was deployed to Iraq. Less than two years after his first 18-month deployment to Iraq, he volunteered for a second deployment to Kuwait. He and I live in Broken Arrow, Okla. with our sons, Cody and Shane, and are members of a great Bible teaching church. 

This article intends to share with the Christian community some information that I believe has been missing from conversations to and about soldiers suffering from PTSD, with hope that my friends and family in Christ will gain understanding on how to approach soldiers who return from war. I’m not writing to condemn the church or those with misinformation, but rather to inform people who haven’t had any first-hand experience with a veteran.

When our U.S. soldiers arrive at their location half-way across the world to start their job, the attacks start. They don’t have a moment to get settled in. They are secluded from the support of their families. They are secluded from their churches. They have only their fellow soldiers as their family. These fellow soldiers are comprised of every type of belief: Wiccan, Catholic, Baptist, Atheist, Muslim, etc. And their deployment starts by having bombs (mortars) sent into their “home” and attacking their “family” everyday. The attacks don’t end there. They’ve just begun. When the soldiers start their job away from their temporary “home,” day after day they wait for the other versions of these cowardly attacks that they have been trained to defend. Attacks that could be a small child placed in their view with a hidden bomb, or a coward hiding out with a detonator and a roadside bomb.  They are essentially paranoid, but not in a bad way – in the only way they can survive kind of way. 

Then one day, they are driving down the road of Baghdad and it happens: a rocket is launched directly at their motorcade, followed by a stream of bullets. They are trying to defend their “family,” and then one of their fellow soldiers gets injured and some are killed. This is just the first wave of the attack. It lasts hours and hours…hour after hour of being stranded in a motorcade, trying to survive, waiting on the truck at the front that has been disabled by enemy fire on a narrow street in Bagdad to be moved…hours and hours of being sitting ducks. Todd has said this type of fire-fight physically feels like playing four football games back to back with no breaks. Emotionally, he can’t describe it.

Then they have to go “home” and debrief with their Atheist, Wiccan, and Roman Catholic support. Debriefing includes cleaning out the trucks so they can be used the next day. They have to clean the trucks because their fellow soldiers who were killed or wounded in battle left bodily remains – a graphic reminder of what they’ve just been though.  They may or may not have some alone time to process what just happened, and finally fall asleep from exhaustion. They wake up the next day to go do their job again – their job where they expect to be attacked again, in one of the dozens of different ways that they could be attacked…

They go through some time of just having bombs sent into their home (just) and then they go out to do their jobs again and they are attacked in another cowardly way. They are attacked by a roadside bomb and their truck is blown up. They are stuck in the middle of the desert, without wheels, with millions of dollars of equipment to protect, let alone their lives, and they are left to wait again…wait to be attacked, all the while, ears ringing, head pounding and praying.

This is just a very small example of a few of the catastrophies my husband experienced, but I know many of our soldiers go through situations like this and worse. 

The third country nationals (foreign civilians contracted by the US) who Todd supervised gave him the title “Pastor.” He was in the Word as often as he could be. He drove his Wiccan partner crazy by listening to Christian music in their truck when he was driving. His journals are amazing to read. His heart was set fully on His King and he was an evangelist in those trials. He had nothing else to cling to but God and His Word, and he would say that the time in his life during these trials was a sweet time of growth and communion with the Lord. 

As a soldier, he was excellent: the youngest in his unit to be promoted to Staff Sergeant and was accepted to West Point after his first deployment at the age of 21. He chose not to attend, instead opting for a second deployment. 

I say that not to brag on my husband, but to tell you that even someone with a strong faith who is also a strong soldier can suffer from PTSD after experiencing such traumatic circumstances.

When he came home from his second deployment, it was as much a battle to re-adjust as it was to leave. His entire world had been vastly different for years. When he came home for good, he had suffered a traumatic brain injury from his truck being hit by a roadside bomb, he had degenerative disc disease in his back, and he suffered greatly from violent night terrors, flash backs, panic attacks and depression. He sought biblical counseling from his church in Choctaw, OK. He went to multiple pastors and asked for help. Sadly, they didn’t even give him time to share his story. Granted, with veterans, sometimes it takes a long time for them to open up. They simply gave him some scriptures, scriptures that he already knew, and told him to change his thinking. But his thinking had been trained into him for over five years, and living everyday knowing that people were trying to kill him, that he had to be prepared to kill people, and the reality of those things coming to life would require more than someone telling him: “change your thinking”. This left him with the only other resource he knew of, The VA hospital. Which had some great people willing to help, but it wasn't the family type of support he needed from his church.

Unfortunately, even though thinking can be changed, sleeping causes most of my husband’s problems.  Sleeping is when nightmares happen, and the nightmares usually seem very real, which makes the rest of the night very difficult. Sleeping is very important for everyone, and especially in my husband’s case, because he developed a seizure disorder from the traumatic brain injury and without rest he is much more likely to have a seizure. 

There are also flashbacks. I think most people don’t understand that flashbacks are uncontrollable. Flashbacks happen in the most random times. You see a pile of trash in your neighborhood and suddenly, without trying to think of it... you see a bomb and it literally sends you back to the streets of Iraq. These veterans do not want to dwell on the traumatic war experiences they endured. Most of them are strong and determined, but they come home to a completely different world, and in spite of having a completely unique and amazing experience, they still want to be normal.  They want to be able to drive down the highway without being catapulted back into a life-or-death situation by seeing something as common as gas tanks on a semi truck. So, simply telling a veteran to change his thinking and memorize a few scriptures lacks the understanding and compassion that these vets need.

As a Christian, Todd memorizes scripture and uses it to battle these situations. Thankfully, he has been given much grace. His battles are not as bad as they were when he first came back. He relies on the Lord for his strength. He believes and trusts that those trials were used for his good and is thankful for those circumstances. But it’s a situation that we have been through for so long, and the ability to overcome PTSD and transition back into civilian life has not been an easy journey. 

I believe it would be a great benefit to our veterans if the church could get a better understanding of what these men and women have gone through and how our distant, doubting, and minimizing attitude affects these servicemen.   It is hurtful that so many of our brothers and sisters in Christ treat our soldiers as if they are being overly dramatic, or that they are no different than any other citizen experiencing trauma.

Maybe I’m passionate about this because I used to be one of these people!  I didn’t get it. For years, I thought Todd was just being self-focused in his times of depression. I didn’t understand some of the things that he couldn’t control, like the nightmares and flashbacks.  I had no frame of reference for what he and his fellow soldiers experienced, and unfortunately, I had been taught that PTSD was a made-up illness. The turning point for me was living life with Todd. The more I am with him, the more I see the strong faith of the man I referenced above. The more I see the desire to overcome these obstacles and the will to not become complacent. The more I hear from his experiences, the more I slowly begin to understand the circumstances that are so foreign to myself and to so many Americans. I love the Lord and desire to love His people, but it took me years to understand how unloving I was being to my own husband in this area. 

Now that I have learned more, I don’t want fellow believers to do what I did and ignore or demean combat veterans’ experiences. They fought and bore hardships, thus allowing us to continue living a life of freedom and enjoying our religious liberties. They selflessly went to War only to come home and be told they are being too self-focused. 

My initial thought in writing this was that the church is doing a disservice to our servicemen, but I know it isn’t intentional. And it’s my desire that other soldiers who return from War with mental and physical battles will have a warmer welcome back into the body of Christ. Maybe if more people can get a small glimpse into my husband’s story it won’t take as long as it took me to acknowledge the battles of these men and women.

So, what is the solution? I’m not 100% sure. But, I know that love and understanding are at the heart of it. I know that Todd tells me that when I simply acknowledged the reality of combat and the uniqueness of what he had been through, he felt the support he needed at home. I know that the more I listen and the less I talk, the better our conversations get. I know that Christ provides perfect peace and James 1 tells us to ask for wisdom without doubting and He will give us that wisdom. I know that to love others as myself sometimes means holding my tongue and waiting to actually get to know the person before making judgments on their experiences. And I know that the only solution to any of these trials is not in the psychology of modern thinking, but it is in the Word of God. If anyone finds himself experiencing life with a veteran, I recommend they seek God’s wisdom for how to handle the situation. It’s so easy with half of our churches being opposed to psychology and the other half embracing it to discard PTSD or to treat it with techniques and tips that aren’t from the Bible. Balance is needed and I believe it can be found.

Wherefore art thou Community?

where·fore

1. 1.

   for what reason.

1. 2.

   as a result of which.

com·mu·ni·ty

noun

1. 1.

   a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common.
2. 2.

   a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.

Last week I was approached by a woman in Hobby Lobby that made a distinct impression on me. But, before I tell you the conversation we had, let me set the scene: Shopping with Cody and my mom, feeling totally distracted by Shane kicking my ribs (35 weeks then) and thinking of all the things I want to accomplish before this little guy arrives. Cody, was in his usual friendly state and said his very familiar "hiiiii" to most people in the store. When we passed this woman and her little girl who looked to be about 3 or 4, Cody said "hiiiii" to which the mom  sweetly responded and said hi back. She looked different. She had a very big hairdo with a bun, a denim skirt, and no makeup. I think she was probably Pentecostal. Her voice and manner of speaking on her phone as we lingered near each other for a minute  was very sweet, and I thought to myself in that moment, "even though we probably have very different beliefs, I think this woman is my sister". 

And that was that. We continued walking and she continued giving directions on her phone.

About 10 minutes later we were on the other side of the store and she came to find us to ask us about the flowers she had in her hand. She informed us that they were for her son's tombstone because he had recently died. She said it so simply and matter-of-fact, but there was sadness and peace mixed in her voice. She wanted to know if we thought the yellow and orange flowers she picked out would be boyish enough for his headstone. And, I'm assuming she came to find us because we had a little boy with us. 

I assured her that they were boyish enough as I held back tears and asked her how old he was. I guess since she was willing to tell us that her son had died, I assumed that she wouldn't mind being asked questions. He was 12 hours old and she said she was just so grateful to be able to hold him. She knew going into her delivery that his chances of survival were near impossible. She said "the Lord knew what we needed" and my earlier thoughts about this woman being my sister were further confirmed. I held back tears during our short interchange and we parted paths. 

Later that evening I received word from a close friend that a family they were close to had lost their 2 year old son to cancer. His mom posted about him that night and as I read about his personality, which was so much like Cody's, I sat and cried for hours. 

Both of the moms in these stories had such a peace about them. They were most definitely sad and deeply grieved by the loss of time on earth with their sons, but they both knew that their sons were with their Father in heaven.

After hearing of these stories and after all of that emotion, I decided I needed some time to just hang out with Jesus and wanted so badly for him to come talk to me and tell me about his faithfulness and plan in all of this. I am so thankful for the technology that we have today that will read to you when your eyes are too tired to read for yourself, and so I listened to the Gospel of John. 

I felt comforted and was able to rest but the lingering thoughts about these stories were still with me the following day.  The most common thing I think about when things like this happen is "What is the Lord preparing me for?" I know that is wrong and selfish. I should be more concerned about the others who are involved. But, I'm more concerned about myself. So, I wonder, is Shane going to be born with a problem and die or is something going to happen to Cody, or maybe it's just that I need to be prepared for tragedy and something is going to happen to Todd, and so on and so forth...

All of these types of thoughts consume my mind and then He chastises me. He reminds me of His word. OH THANK YOU LORD for Your Word! 

• Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. 13 And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. 14 Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

• Philippians 4: 4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

I could continue to post more and more promises and chastisement from His Word but you get the gist. I was struggling and I needed to be reminded that what I was thinking about was not true and therefore it didn't need to be thought about. Be anxious for nothing!!

If the Lord does decide to bring a trial into my life, I know several things about that. 1) It is intended for my good. 2) It is because He loves me 3) I will be able to endure it in His strength 4) It is for His glory

So now why the title of this post? 

What does any of this have to do with community?

First off, it has to do my church. I could not say more about how thankful I am to have MANY godly women to look to for guidance during trying times. I am SO DEEPLY thankful for the mentoring program we started where I have been able to be mentored personally for over a year and a half by an amazing older woman, and have now had the chance to start mentoring a younger girl myself. What a blessing it has been! 

I honestly think I would have continued in my worried state of anxiety much longer had I not been in the Word and spending time with fellow believers in community together. 

Secondly, the Lord has called us to live in community together, but it seems that many of us are still little islands trying to get by on our own. Even with busy and hurried schedules, it is so important to have fellowship with the body of Christ. Especially on more days than Sunday.  

Lastly, I hope this was an encouragement to you. If your church doesn't have a mentoring program set up, just find an older godly woman and ask...just do it. It will be so worth it!!

Great Article on Informal Mentoring

My Green Wedding Ring - Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I always love St. Patrick's Day because I am covered when it comes to wearing green! My wedding ring has two emerald's in it, and it's always fun to think about why my ring has two emeralds. Todd designed every bit of this ring without any of my input and when I first saw it, I have to admit, it was not what I expected! But, after learning about why he chose each part specifically, I loved it! And since then, I have loved it more and more! We shared the ring description with those who were at our wedding, but I thought since it has been 5 years, it might be neat to share again, so here you go!

Gold:   We are gifts to each other, blessings from God, but we are not each other’s final destination. We are not eternally complete by or in our relationship to each other. God holds us accountable to help each other along our present path toward the golden streets.

Diamond:        “Diamonds are forever”? Not quite. They burn in God’s wrath just like anything else. God, however, is forever. Alpha and Omega. Before we physically existed, we existed to him. He had plans for us, and he is finishing his work with us and others, even beyond our earthly lives if he so chooses. He was our Creator in the beginning. He is our counselor and shepherd in this time. He will be our judge and our joy in the future, world without end.

Green (emeralds):        In God, by Jesus Christ, we are no longer walking dead. We have life, walking evergreen, bearing good fruit in season. As individuals, we are alive. As companions, we have a relationship of vibrant, green health. Our roots, our foundations, are solid, the Word of God itself. When (not if) troubles come; when trials, tests, attacks, adversities come, we will not fall, and what’s more, we’ll remain intact, alive, continuing to bear good fruit, because HE will not fail.

Heart Shape:   As a guideline for our family, we govern our lives by this principle:  “better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it.” We do not sacrifice our love to God, to each other, or to others for worldly wealth, money, possessions, positions, or experiences.

The Number Three – two emeralds plus one diamond equals three:  Our marriage relationship is not whole if it does not include three:  God, Todd, and Danielle. Likewise, it is not complete if it is not carried out under God, in God’s ways, and if we do not conduct ourselves towards each other and others out of the God-recreated hearts within us. This we know not only from scripture, but also from experience.

Diamond Between Two Smaller Emeralds:  God has not forsaken us to this world. Our Lord came and left and will come back, but he did not leave us alone in this present time. God is with us:  our teacher, counselor, and guide. God is still with us in every breath and every step.

Clear Diamond Versus Occluded Emeralds:   God, represented by the diamond, is perfect; in him there is no imperfection. His holiness is absolute. If one wants to see original beauty and magnificence far surpassing the remnants that remain in this fallen world, they need to look only to God, for he alone is perfect, holy, and beautiful – the source of all that is good. We, represented by the two emeralds, in comparison, are not perfect...yet. As followers of Jesus Christ, children of the one God, perfection is part of our destiny. However, we are not perfect yet, hence the visible imperfections in the emeralds. Our perfection is a process initiated and continued on by God. He will not quit. Our time is coming...

Size of Diamond Versus Size of Emeralds:     If one ever thought they could stand toe-to-toe with God, they would be sorely mistaken. God is terrifyingly awesome, able to end human existence with but a single breath. Sooner or later, every knee will bow to God’s awesomeness, and every tongue will confess that Jesus is King. Some submit now, some do not. Eventually, all will. God is greater than us. There is no escaping him or his truth. We encourage all to submit to God now. As for our family, we indeed submit.

Emeralds Have Three Sides:   We are multi-facetted beings – not just body, not just mind, not just spirit. We are all three, combined into one whole. We were created in God’s image, three-in-one. Thus, in our interactions, we remember this and do not neglect each other’s full being. To fully care for each other, we care for each other’s body, mind, and spirit in Christ.

Emerald Triangles Point Toward Heart Diamond First, Then To Each Other:  God comes first. God is our first love, not each other. God loved us before anyone or anything else. We do love each other, but in the context that God first loved us, and that God has commanded us to first love him, then each other, in that order. We foresee problems arising in our relationship if we put each other, or anyone or anything else, before God. Similarly, we foresee blessings flowing in and through of our lives as we love God first, then each other and others.

One of those...nights.

We've learned through trial and error that nighttime is not a good time to begin any discussion of controversy. Yet, time after time, something comes along that gets brought to light in the evening hours and inevitably, whole hearted regret soon follows. Tonight was no different.

We had a beautiful day with my grandparents and enjoyed a drive across eastern Oklahoma and on through the hills of Arkansas. We witnessed the birthplace of my grandfather and the homestead of my great grandmother; we enjoyed good conversation and had an all around wonderful time. Upon returning home after our journey, we were definitely fatigued. Being 9 months pregnant didn’t offer any additional help to the situation.

We started a conversation in the car on the way home from my grandparent’s house that didn’t go very well. I was defensive. Neither of us was in the best mental capacity to be having this discussion; which continued for much longer than needed. It finally ended after I made a remark that I wanted pull back into my mouth as soon as I said it. I actually felt like I saw the words flying out as they passed my lips. (Interesting side note: this morning I read a quote warning us about how comments can only be forgiven, not forgotten.) Unfortunately, my diatribe is what ended our conversation. Thankfully, God softened our hearts and we forgave each other, but it doesn’t take away the guilt I feel.

All of this background is to tell you where I am at the moment and how I got here.

I feel down, very down. I feel like I see my sin so clearly. All of my sin. Not just the words I spoke out of anger, but my fleshly heart that loves to lie, hide from confrontation, blame-shift, and remain embittered. I see even more. And in times like these, I not only see today. I look back and see the past sins I have committed that I don’t let go of, at least the really wretched ones. In my head, I know that if the God of the universe has forgiven me, then it is supremely prideful to not forgive myself, but I still struggle. Thankfully, this isn’t the end of my thought, or my night.

All of this time through my struggle, I am looking at myself and my weakness; seeing a need for a Savior that is so clear that it makes my hands shake and my heart pound nearly out of my chest. I am weak, but He is strong. Humbled, broken to the dust, because of His great love, I am forgiven. I don’t have to hang on to past sins. I am wrong to do so. I don’t have to allow evil thoughts and desires to win. I have a Savior, who has pulled my heart from the mire and made it clean. I trample on Him with my sinful actions, yet He loves me still. I hate my sin. I hate the wickedness that lies within my heart. But I am free to live for Christ. My heart has been redeemed!

I am deeply grateful for the Apostle Paul who encourages me through times like these. The passages below wrestle through some of these thoughts. There is much more encouragement on this topic in scripture, but these passages stand out to me. Make sure you read to the end of Romans 8.

“What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace. What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification. For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 6 ESV)

“Or do you not know, brothers—for I am speaking to those who know the law—that the law is binding on a person only as long as he lives? For a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he lives, but if her husband dies she is released from the law of marriage. Accordingly, she will be called an adulteress if she lives with another man while her husband is alive. But if her husband dies, she is free from that law, and if she marries another man she is not an adulteress. Likewise, my brothers, you also have died to the law through the body of Christ, so that you may belong to another, to him who has been raised from the dead, in order that we may bear fruit for God. For while we were living in the flesh, our sinful passions, aroused by the law, were at work in our members to bear fruit for death. But now we are released from the law, having died to that which held us captive, so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit and not in the old way of the written code. What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.” But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies dead. I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good. Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.” (Romans 7 ESV)

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8 ESV)

So now, at the end of my night. I can rest. Rest in the strength of the One who has forgiven me. The strength of the promise that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.

First Experiences at ONEOK Field...Go DRILLERS!